I am a failure.
AfroGirl Shenanigans is a failure.
My platform is a failure.
My GoFundMe campaign is a failure.
The attempts I’ve made to live my best life are a failure.
The roadblocks put in front of me are of my own design…giving me excuse after excuse to believe that I am undeserving of such blessings. I prevent myself from taking that next step…advancing to the next level…
Because simply…I’ve stopped believing in myself.
I used to write a New Years’ Eve address on Facebook. My top wish for my family and friends (and those who simply follow me) is to be fearless. I don’t wish that because I’m fearless…I wish that because I’m not. At some point in my life, I’ve lost my sense to be a risk taker. I used to always go against the grain…to seek the unknown. In recent years I’ve been let down by many people. That, in turn, made me doubt myself. If I can’t rely on my instincts about the people I let in my life then I can’t possibly trust my instincts at all, right?
Every month on this blog, I state what my intentions are. Unfortunately, I have not followed through on them. I worry too much about whether the reader would somehow detect any fakeness in my content. My fears do go beyond the blog. I have ways I want to live my best life…hell, I made a list. There are many factors that I can easily use as an excuse to not do certain things. I can and have gotten hyped up about something I want to try out and more so than not, I back out at the very last minute. Talking myself out of opportunities that I know would benefit me, in the long run, had been my m.o. for quite a while.
Why am I writing this?
I’m not in any way seeking sympathy points (I do not like when people “sympathizes”…I feel like I’m being pitied). The reason for this post is to put myself out there. I need to see my admission to being a failure on a scale larger than my journal, which I can close and never look at again.
This isn’t to say that I have, or am going to, stop trying. I need to be less scared. I know it’s possible…there was a “me” in the past who wasn’t scared. Believing is the key…I have to believe in my fearlessness. How will I accomplish that? Well If I knew I wouldn’t be writing this particular post now would I?
What I do know, is that each day is another step…either forward or backward. The choice is mine.
Until next time,